Ever wanted to hide in the dark?

I have never, EVER felt like this. All of a sudden life doesn't seem that great. I'm losing people and I don't like it. This is pretty much it. Someone just told me I'm too weak to be gay. I am. There's no way I can continue like this. So I don't like people touching me in public. So I feel sick when I see a little girl point at me and tell her mom there's a fag behind them. I'm weak, I get it. I'm not the best person. I'm weak. Too weak to do anything to change my life. Too weak to end it. I'm just swirling in the desires of a gay man in a straight life. I'm just happy I have support from friends. Since I don't have family, friends are all I have left. I don't have understanding friends, but they're all I got.

Lord, grant me the strength.

D:

My Sandman, something something, make something something something....


EXACTLY! I had a fun night last night...ask me what happened ;D

Gosh, that is sad

So, why is it that I just find men in their 30s to be so unbelievably attractive? It's not much fun because they are all like...10 years older than me. It sucks. When I Get older though...ooooh yeeea ;]

No, but seriously, I hate the dentist. That pointy stick thing they shove between your teeth? Not fun. And my teeth are really tight on the bottom, so they basically kill my mouth while trying to clean it. Fucking hurts like hell. The dentist was cute though.

It;s hard to concentrate when my cat is going ape shit crazy whenever I make the slightest movement...Not to mention I didn't get much sleep last night. I slept over at Michelle's and slept in Alex's bed with Michelle. How does that make sense? I'm hungry too. I wasted my money on chinese food and now I'm broke. There's nothing to eat in my house and I'm starving!!!

I finally get to play tennis again today. I'm so excited. You do not know how much I love to play tennis. I just wish I had someone to play with that was at the same level as me. Most of my friends never played before so they all suck. Except for Chantal. She's really good. I'm going to play with her later today hopefully.

Which brings me to another thing. What the hell is up with the gas prices? During summer nonetheless. I finally get the freedom to go places and I'm stuck home becuase of the price of gas. I hate it. Annoying as hell.

I have a major headache from lack of sleep so I'm going to go get hopped up on drugs. And by drugs I mean Benadryl. I lied. I got up to see how it was spelled and found out we have motrin. Woohoo.

Porn ftw. :]

Very...very short post

I might actually update like...more than once every 5 months soon. But I doubt it. I've been really busy with school and Lacrosse...actually, I'm almost late for Lacrosse...>.> Goddammit, where are my shorts?

Anyways, my last game is Thursday at the CAT at 7:15, so if you want to come see me beat down people with my tiny stick, come please. It's senior night and I actually want a big crowd for them =\ But, monday next week, I am DONE with Lacrosse for a little under a year...>.>

I can't wait till tennis starts, like, for real. I love tennis. I haven't gotten to play it much lately and it bugs me.

I had a scary dream about zombies last night...it had a lesbian in it...(I round up from 50% :P "House" makes me lulz)

Dairy Queen

That explains it all D:

I'm so not in love

So, I came to a horrible conclusion this Thanksgiving break. I don't know what KIND of love it is, but I in fact am in love which someone. To whether or not I will ever fully admit what kind of love it is, that is behind closed lips. I WANT to think it's because he's like a father to me, and what I'm feeling is just fatherly-son love, since I've never really felt like that towards my own dad. Even if it is because I actually "love" him, he shall be no more than my second father, and I'm 100% content with that. In fact, I wouldn't ever have it any other way. I feel sick to my stomach over all of this, but I don't know what to do about it. I can't very well control it, and I've never nor will I ever act on it, but it just feels like I've done something wrong, and I probably have. Anyways, no one will ever know who he is, if he;s someones father or older or younger brother because I will not give that out because I know if I do, my life would be Hell, so we'll keep the cat in the bag for now.

How about school? Well, everyone thinks I have retarded sinuses because I told everyone I had allergies and that's why my eyes were wet...heh, let 'em believe it. If they knew I was crying...meh, who the hell cares anymore? I hate Mr. Martin with such a fucking passion. He argues with people but has no basis for his arguments so he looks like an ass, which he is, and not only that, but he gives out mini projects and they are due in 4 days. We need newspaper for the projects, I get the newspaper on Sundays. Sometimes I'm without newspaper, and so I fail. I hate him. Just 7 more weeks and I'm done with him for good. I can't fucking wait.

I FUCKING TOLD YOU!

Ugh...I'm am just NOT in the best mood right now. I don't know why, but talking to my friends never makes me feel better. I really need a friend. Anyone know of one?

And no, I'm not needy. Whenever I feel like I'm trying to get someone to pity me, I always stop and say something different, but when people say,"we warned you this would happen", it doesn't help any. So I went to a Catholic school and I didn't like it. That didn't prove you right. I don't like it because...well, I honestly have no real good reason for not liking it...just undertones I guess...

I'm really starting to grow distant from some old close friends...and the problem with it is that I don't mind it. Reggie for instance. I have talked to her for a long time, I've seen her once since the summer, and already it seems too much. I don't know. I'm changing, and it;s not like I'm going to change back anytime soon, and I don't want to =\ I'm not complaining about anything, I'm just putting my feelings out there, and if you hate me and say I complain all the time and that I'm annoying, don't read my shit. that simple. And if you just find me humorous, do me a favor and leave me alone. I don't care anymore. I feel like I don't have friends anymore, except for Chantal and Zuriq now. those are the only 2 I see anymore and talk to regularly, and I don't think Zuriq even really likes me, so that makes on friend. I have friends at CC, but not to the extent my old friends were.

I wish I could go back in time and just never go to City in the first place. It's just been a giant shit-stain on my life.