My old cynical self?

Yes, he's back and it looks like he's staying, at least until Monday. The reason? Oh, funny you should ask. Let me just say that you probably wont understand and say I'm over reacting, but for me, this is a low blow. Even for my mom.

I told her about this convention I wanted to go to 3 weeks ahead of time, she said it'd be fun and that she'd take me. So I planned and planned, hoping not to mess anything up because this was the best thing that has happened to me, ever. Well, my mom was concerned with school starting that week and stuff and I told her if she didn't want to take me, to tell me. She still said she would, and I was the happiest little elf there was.

Then, on Monday this week, I find out the Paul is showing up on Sunday (now keep in mind that Paul is the only reason I had to go to THAT convention, I mean, how could I not?!) And then my mother has to say, "Well, that's inconvenient because your brother is coming home from Chicago on Sunday and has to pack and I want to spend the day with him, and I don't want to spend the whole day in Chicago". So, NOW she decides that it might not be all that much fun. She puts my brother ahead of me, yet again even though this is a once in a lifetime thing for me, and my brother is going to be home the VERY next weekend, and she's going shopping with him and spending time with him. I'll be sitting at home wondering how many pills I could take just to make me linger long enough to put her in debt so much that she has to live on the street. You may be thinking, "Oh, but you're brother is going to COLLEGE! That's MUCH more important than a silly convention!" No, it's not, he;ll be an hour away. He'll be home almost every weekend to piss her off just enough for her to yell at me while I sit under my sheets and pet my cat who is scared to leave my room and eat. And no, I'm not exaggerating. My cat has been scared of mother so much that she wont leave my room, and I have to bring in her food for her. And how does I get rewarded for not waking her up at 2 in the morning, or for not doing drugs and drinking? I get to lay in my bed wondering, "Is she lying again? she wont really get a knife this time, will she?" Exaggerating again? Nope, she has threatened her 7 and 9 year old sons to kill them in their sleep. My mother is a wonderful person, isn't she? She's fine for maybe 10 minutes after she gets home, but after that, she just yells, and yells, and after awhile she gets that, "I'm going to speak softly, but you know that when you come home, there is going to be a horses head in your bed" type of talking.

I can't wait until I get to move away for college. My brother gets to leave me ALONE with her for two years. I get to be yelled at, even though my brother does things 10 times worse. He drinks, he smokes, he chews tobacco, and she knows that, and doesn't care. Makes me wonder if she'll think the same thing when I yell "I'm gay"